the optimistic pessimist

supposedly an adult, she thinks like an adult (too much, if you ask me). deep inside, she is nothing but a little girl, with her little lofty dreams and ideals. and oops, she is breaking them, one by one.
more often than not, she is just an angsty emo kid.

she is only but
a passer-by,

an onlooker,

a walking shadow.

and this girl can't stop writing.

she stalks

|| cyn bea bao zou mel ||
|| joan weepz ||
|| blockc yeanching lehia kexi zhenlin horace alvin dina sandra becca tzehee ||
|| cruzteng peifen dasmondkoh ||
|| xiaozhu xiaogui sunxiezhi ashin kangyong ||
|| derrick jinglun stefsun natho lawrencewong ||
|| feliciachin joannepeh jeanetteaw sharonaw ||
|| xiaohan hyr chimkang mingde dannyyeo ||
|| xuyunling alvinology mrbrown esther ||
|| drbondar psychdigest ||
|| kfdrawing iwrotethisforyou thingsweforget ||

After all, what is in the past but what we choose to remember? They can choose not to hide it, to take what's broken, to feel the pain and know that it will heal. They know where happiness lies, not in a cave or a country, but in love and the freedom to give and take what has been there all along.
-- The Bonesetter's Daughter

she watches on

Others desire to experience the blessedness of giving, but we often frustrate them by refusing their help.

“你有心事吗？”
“或许有一天，我会告诉你吧。”
--《不能说的·秘密》

she holds on

　Memories were also a way of looking in a mirror, but it was a jagged mirror of broken glass, one that cast imperfect reflections. Like shards, these memories drew blood.

February 2003 March 2003 April 2003 May 2003 June 2003 July 2003 September 2003 October 2003 November 2003 December 2003 January 2004 February 2004 March 2004 April 2004 May 2004 June 2004 July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 January 2012 February 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012 July 2012 August 2012 October 2012 November 2012 December 2012 January 2013 February 2013 March 2013 April 2013 May 2013 June 2013 July 2013 August 2013 September 2013 October 2013 November 2013 December 2013 January 2014 February 2014 March 2014 April 2014 May 2014 June 2014 July 2014 August 2014 September 2014 October 2014 November 2014 December 2014 January 2015 February 2015 March 2015 April 2015 May 2015 July 2015 September 2015 October 2015 November 2015 December 2015 January 2016 February 2016 March 2016 April 2016 May 2016 June 2016 August 2016 September 2016 October 2016 November 2016 December 2016 January 2017 February 2017 April 2017 May 2017 August 2017 September 2017 October 2017 November 2017 December 2017 January 2018 February 2018 April 2018 June 2018 July 2018 September 2018 October 2018 November 2018 December 2018 February 2019 April 2019 June 2019 August 2019 October 2019 December 2019 January 2020 February 2020 March 2020 April 2020 May 2020 July 2020 November 2020 February 2021 April 2021 July 2021 September 2021 November 2021 March 2022

she never gets

永远不会交的功课 || 永远不会实现的愿望

|| you ||

Responsibility means not blaming anyone or anything for your situation, including yourself... Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution.
-- Deepak Chopra

she thanks

Designer : Wei Jun
Brushes : Deviantart - Spy Glass

I don't know, I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm a pair of eyes and ears, and I'm just trying to stay safe and make sense of what's happening. I know what to avoid, what to worry about.I'm like those kids who live with gunfire going off around them. I don't want pain. I don't want to die. I don't want to see other people around me die. But I don't have anything left inside me to figure out where I fit in or what I want. If I want anything, it's to know what's possible to want.
-- The Bonesetter's Daughter

figured that i better type all this out before it becomes ancient.
super backdated logs frm cny. i used to do paragraphs of words, but this year i used my phone and did it twitter style. many "msgs" aren't within 140 characters though.

03022011 1307
been a pig and sleeping ever since i'm in the car, minus the many times we stopped for breaks and food. just had v good and aromatic coffee that you'll never be able to get in SG at RM1.30. and v good satay plus ketupat that tastes like what it's supposed to, unlike what we ate last night.

1550
已经到家一个小时多了。分红包的时候，妈还是拿给小舅七个红包，说她就当他还在。我们三个的脸色都沉了一下。其实，那个痛还是在的。

1724
just started my marking with all the hustle and bustle going on outside. a whole floor of kids certainly creates a lot of noise.

1838
i love how everyone loves everyone here though our flaws are so obvious and blatant.

1845
下午吃了阿嫲无人能比的卤鸭和猪肚汤。刚刚又喝了超香超浓的炖鸡汤。我们家做出的东西怎么那么好吃啊。

1904
still doing marking but at least i'm making progress. whole world walking past my room is asking me to go eat dinner. younger cousins just complained to me abt how their teachers either make them do work and not mark or return them (and the same qn appears in the test) or anyhow mark and say it's bagus when it's obviously copied. gosh i hate those types of teachers.

2025
family's v sexually vulgar with our language and actions and we always laugh over it, cos that only goes to show how close we all are.

04022011 1221
这两天，他都有回来过。昨晚的白蝴蝶，一直在家里盘旋，到每个房间去。今天清晨，三姨和妈都听到有人在厨房磨刀，都以为是阿公。早上起床问了后才知道不是。大家嘴上不说，但是心里都挂念着他。去年没能回来，等下会上山去看看他。

1343
在新加坡没有时间睡觉，回到这里就睡个不停。

1354
just received my Jay stuff that were bought by my cousin-in-law from tw. he bought the incomparable one wrongly but that's fine, think i can still get it in SG. he got The One dvd though, which is quite miraculous already. then Grandeur de D major is in a box set, with his autograph! damn cool!

1419
oh did i mention, that the best part of it is that mum paid for all 3 for me hehe.

1543
看到丽盈的时候，觉得自己的眼神不知觉地变了。没有在怪罪的意思，只是在感慨。

1802
a short walk down the fields proved to be v relaxing.

1900
刚去看表弟，大家带了一堆东西给他吃。柑橘、啤酒、肉干、卤肉、香烟。眼里一阵湿，只希望他过得好。

2122
有的人说话还真的是在放屁。想念？一家团聚？我呸！

2125
在鸡场街走走，好像是每年的惯例。

05022011 0111
after a long day, we're finally home. and dad has promptly went to bed upon 5 min of reaching home.

1206
三姨应该是太想孩子了，两次都对着我说，妈咪帮你……也难怪啦，女儿嫁到台湾，儿子留在云顶（好像是加班，不过应该是陪女友）

1208
现在在等表哥和他的朋友从KL下来。我和表妹连早餐都还没吃呢。

1344
表哥不要和我们去逛街，所以自己拜年去了。

1538
just bought assessment bks frm the Popular here. 职业病！

1558
ok great i've been walking ard for at least 20 min cos i can't find the rest of them. if you say you're going to wait for someone somewhere, then you jolly well wait there. i don't have any of their numbers.

1649
back from shopping. actually didn't buy much. only my ultra cheap assessment bks and Jay cd on sale.

2050
done with steamboat dinner. now we're off to some random pasir malam and shopping centre to walk ard.

2159
三姨's quite obsessed with calling dad to let him know where we are whenever we lose sight of each other. but she doesn't understand that not calling each other is how we work. haha.

2314
we're all damn tickled by dad's GPS. when you're here, there're so many ways you can take to go to a particular place, due to the numerous lorongs they have. which way to take all depends on traffic conditions. 三姨 was saying it'll be good if the GPS can tell us where there's a traffic jam so that we can take another route. as if ah. lol.

06022011 0026
finally, we're done packing and kinda ready for bed. off to SG early in the morning in a few hours. hopefully i wun get to drive. i wanna sleep!

0545
so we woke up at 5am and woke 阿公，阿嫲 and 二舅 along with us. just left house. now, every time i leave house i end up really sad. you must understand, 阿公 is already 80... i really wish i could do more than stuff him money whenever i see him and buy back for him what he loves to eat when i'm overseas.

0705
we're getting lost cos we're using the GPS. how ironic.

0932
apparently we've reached jb already. dunno anything cos i'm just sleeping all the time. (update frm mum: dad dozed off while driving and mum had to jerk him awake.) dunno how am i going to work tomorrow. i've got a love-hate relationship with my job.